Memo to a Cat or Dog

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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:01 pm

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. 

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years. (Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Signed
Your Owner
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Post  gerber on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:19 pm

Mr Wyatt.

I have read your memo to Humphrey and he sends many Bonios and has offered to lend you his new fluffy monkey to play with for a week. He is very impressed.
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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:35 pm

@gerber wrote:Mr Wyatt.

I have read your memo to Humphrey and he sends many Bonios and has offered to lend you his new fluffy monkey to play with for a week.  He is very impressed.
Gerbs.
Many thanks to Humph !!!
'Mad Cat' and 'Rocky the Dog'  also sends Greetings and Thanks   Not worthy  Not worthy
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Post  gerber on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:38 pm

@wyatt1 wrote:
Gerbs.
Many thanks to Humph !!!
'Mad Cat' and 'Rocky the Dog'  also sends Greetings and Thanks   Not worthy  Not worthy

Perhaps Mad Cat and Rocky could help Humph choose the new upholstery for his winged chair, it is beginning to look rather dogeared.
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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:57 pm

@gerber wrote:

Perhaps Mad Cat and Rocky could help Humph choose the new upholstery for his winged chair, it is beginning to look rather dogeared.  
'Mad Cat' and 'Rocky the Dog'  suggest  nicking 'next-door's'  chair. (Their former owner was a Capo in da Mafia)    Thumbs up


Last edited by wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 6:03 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : spelink)
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Post  gerber on Tue Jan 28, 2014 6:20 pm

@wyatt1 wrote:
'Mad Cat' and 'Rocky the Dog'  suggest  nicking 'next-door's'  chair. (Their former owner was a Capo in da Mafia)    Thumbs up

Next door here are pussies. One prepurrs to sit in the washing machine.........
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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 6:25 pm

@gerber wrote:

Next door here are pussies.  One prepurrs to sit in the washing machine.........
They would fit in nicely with da mob,  they  would show da fuzz a 'clean'  pair of heels
  Bravo
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Post  gerber on Tue Jan 28, 2014 6:47 pm

@wyatt1 wrote:
They would fit in nicely with da mob,  they  would show da fuzz a 'clean'  pair of heels
  Bravo



That they would and Humpy can join in.  He has just had to endure another cold outside shower after his poddle through the Country park.  Humphy sulking.  Waiting for him to post a memo requesting change of abode.  He has the number for the RSPCA pre programmed into the Sky controller he has on his chair when we do have to leave him..  Cbbs can get a tad boring for a dog with such intelligence.
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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:19 pm

@gerber wrote:



That they would and Humpy can join in.  He has just had to endure another cold outside shower after his poddle through the Country park.  Humphy sulking.  Waiting for him to post a memo requesting change of abode.  He has the number for the RSPCA pre programmed into the Sky controller he has on his chair when we do have to leave him..  Cbbs can get a tad boring for a dog with such intelligence.
Humph and 'Rocky da Dog' would make a better job of running the country than the EUSSR,   with 'Mad Cat'  as enforcer !!!   woohoo
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Post  gerber on Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:43 pm

@wyatt1 wrote:
Humph and 'Rocky da Dog' would make a better job of running the country than the EUSSR,   with 'Mad Cat'  as enforcer !!!   woohoo

We will certainly be viewed favorably by them..................maybe get a privilege or two - passes to drive in 24 bus lanes, no carparking charges and all butchers doorways will become revolving ones so they get in and out with ease. Larry the pooch in residence will automatically have to become head of the civil service though........ Humphy can double when not presiding in cabinet as the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.................. He who also wears a dog collar and loves carrying sticks.
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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:58 pm

@gerber wrote:

We will certainly be viewed favorably by them..................maybe get a privilege or two - passes to drive in 24 bus lanes, no carparking charges and all butchers doorways will become revolving ones so they get in and out with ease.  Larry the pooch in residence will automatically have to become head of the civil service though........  Humphy can double when not presiding in cabinet as the Arch Bishop of Canterbury..................  He who also wears a dog collar and loves carrying sticks.


 woohoo 

We have cracked it!!!!

With the 'Mob' connection we already have a fully functioning Cabinet.

We is made  !!!  (a Mob title)   woohoo  woohoo
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Post  gerber on Tue Jan 28, 2014 8:08 pm

@wyatt1 wrote:


 woohoo 

We have cracked it!!!!

With the 'Mob' connection we already have a fully functioning Cabinet.

We is made  !!!  (a Mob title)   woohoo  woohoo

And we have complete control....................... Nice people can be knighted with the sword, nasty ones will get their heads cut off........

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Post  wyatt1 on Tue Jan 28, 2014 8:18 pm

@gerber wrote:

And we have complete control.......................  Nice people can be knighted with the sword, nasty ones will get their heads cut off........

And here is the New Bible for Archbishop Humph :   Angel 

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential  food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest.......but He had to walk the dog.

 Angel  Angel 

Hally-type-looyah !!!!!
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Post  gerber on Wed Jan 29, 2014 10:45 pm

@wyatt1 wrote:
And here is the New Bible for Archbishop Humph :   Angel 

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential  food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest.......but He had to walk the dog.

 Angel  Angel 

Hally-type-looyah !!!!!

How on earth did you know Humph is a retriever well his kennel club documents say he is......

Hubby having read post is now washing wellies ready for Sunday so he looks good walking  ROFL 
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Post  wyatt1 on Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:45 am

@gerber wrote:

How on earth did you know Humph is a retriever  well his kennel club documents say he is......

Hubby having read post is now washing wellies ready for Sunday so he looks good walking    ROFL 

I worketh in mysterious ways   Angel 


I see our New Party has acquired a 'Speaker'   to wit ..  the Parrot wot is knowed as 'YASHA'   

We as a Party is highly delighted at this development we is !!!

PM 'Humph' acting in his role as Archbishop shall recite the following Commandments at our State Opening.

"ahem!!   Listen up youse lot:

1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.

2. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

3. Thou shalt not project hairballs from the top of the refrigerator.

4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television as if thou art invisible.

5. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 3 a.m.

6. Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.

7. Thou shalt not trip thy humans, even if they are walking too slowly.

8. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

9. Thou shalt not jump on the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

10. Thou shalt attempt to show remorse when being scolded.


Here endeth the lesson, so youse can all piss off now !!! "


All hail to our mighty PM and Archbish  HUMPH !!!!   Not worthy




PS:  Rumour has it he buried Cleggy in the back garden (unconfirmed)


Last edited by wyatt1 on Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:48 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : ps)
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Post  wyatt1 on Fri Jan 31, 2014 7:08 pm


How To Wash The Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water. 
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom. 
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). 
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find. 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. 


Sincerely, The DOG


 ROFL  ROFL 
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Post  wyatt1 on Wed Feb 12, 2014 2:23 pm

Three Dogs at the Vets


 There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". 
The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".
The next dog then comes in and say's,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!". 
"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."  
   surprise
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