Jokes

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Jokes

Post  Major on Sat Jan 14, 2017 2:02 pm

[size=21]I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
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Went out last night and got really wasted. 

I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring .. 
So, at least I got home OK.
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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. 

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
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"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
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Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" 
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
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A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. 
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"[/size]
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