Revocation of US independence

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Revocation of US independence Empty Revocation of US independence

Post  IlonaSong on Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:11 pm

An old one but I like it!

"To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.



Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for
further elections.


The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using
the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.


Look up "interspersed."

There will be
no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough
to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you
learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad
language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the
English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian
(Daphne in Frasier).You will also have to learn how to
understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will
no longer be broadcast with subtitles.While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be
required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job
and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn
your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after
fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American
"football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie
Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no
longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most
popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2020.
You
should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,
you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require
a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8.
The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will
be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean.All road intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries'
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11.
As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The
cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer
at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK
will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep
calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK
will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA
will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get
used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation."


P.S. Sorry for the idiotic paragraphing, EVERY time I cut and paste I get this and it drives me nuts. Usually I go through it and edit out every gap and put the correct ones back in but that usually takes me 30 mins per post, and tbh I just cannot be arsed any longer.






























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Revocation of US independence Empty Re: Revocation of US independence

Post  Flap Zappa on Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:52 pm

it must be an old post if they think gas is $6 a gallon. closer to $10 now

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