HELISOFT

wyatt1 Fri Mar 29, 2013 11:47 am

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Cass Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:54 pm

...

.....too true!

wyatt1 Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:21 pm

Cass wrote:... .....too true!

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck. Grinning

Cass Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:40 pm

wyatt1 wrote:

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

Stop making me laff...it hurts... ROFL

wyatt1 Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:46 pm

Cass wrote:

Stop making me laff...it hurts...

Teee heeee

A drunken Kerryman arrives at a registry office.
'Excuse me, gentlemen, do you register births here?'
Yes, indeed.' answers the officer.
DRUNKEN MAN: That's great! Please start writing immediately. I had twins this morning, not me, of course, but my wife - Two twins - Please write that down gentlemen.'
'Congratulations!' says the officer, 'but why do you keep on saying "gentlemen"? There is only myself here.'
DRUNKEN MAN: 'What, only one? Then don't write twins - I'll have to go back and take another look."

Grinning

Cass Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:17 pm

wyatt1 wrote:[quote="Cass"
Teee heeee
A drunken Kerryman arrives at a registry office.
'Excuse me, gentlemen, do you register births here?'
Yes, indeed.' answers the officer.
DRUNKEN MAN: That's great! Please start writing immediately. I had twins this morning, not me, of course, but my wife - Two twins - Please write that down gentlemen.'
'Congratulations!' says the officer, 'but why do you keep on saying "gentlemen"? There is only myself here.'
DRUNKEN MAN: 'What, only one? Then don't write twins - I'll have to go back and take another look."

You stinker! ROFL

you sir are dangerous to my health

wyatt1 Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:26 pm

Cass wrote:

You stinker!
you sir are dangerous to my health

And here's a Hospital joke to cheer you up . Teee heeee Grinning

O'Malley retired from the British Army and got a job as an orderly in Brocton Prison hospital. On his first day he met up with an old school pal from Kilkenny.

'Mick,' said his classmate, 'I want you to keep a severe eye on the feller in bed number three.'

'Why's that?' asked O'Malley.

'Well,' said his chum, 'he's been here a month. Already he's had his tonsils removed, his adenoids removed, and his appendix removed. I'm beginning to suspect he's smuggling himself out bit by bit!'

Cass Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:28 am

Lol.....ok enough now I need to rest oh er matron!

wyatt1 Sat Mar 30, 2013 10:48 am

Cass wrote:Lol.....ok enough now I need to rest oh er matron!

Good Day Cass, hope you are recovering nicely. Thumbs up

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

bounce

You haven't got off that easily Twisted Evil

Another.
A party of very talented soccer coaches came from London to teach the boys of Dublin the rudiments of the game. They picked out two sides of eleven each. They selected likely goalkeepers, centre backs and so on, and then they got down to the basic aims of the sport.

'The object,' said coach Jones, 'is to get this ball here, from the playing area, into that net at the other end of the field.'

'Say no more,' said Murphy and, picking up the ball, he ran with it under his arm and threw it into the goal. Jogging back he said smilingly, 'Now what do I do with it, coach?'

And coach Jones, in no uncertain terms, told him what he could do with it.

And that's how a rugby ball got its shape!

ROFL

Cass Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:40 pm

Medic....code red....woman collapsed giggling to herself.

Ok so you know these life alert device advertisements on telly....on one they have this older gentleman who says, and I quote "without a doubt, life alert saved my mother in law's life that day" to which Mr Cass and I both shout out "sue them you idiot"...cause the look on his face says dammit!

wyatt1 Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:52 pm

Cass wrote:Medic....code red....woman collapsed giggling to herself.

Ok so you know these life alert device advertisements on telly....on one they have this older gentleman who says, and I quote "without a doubt, life alert saved my mother in law's life that day" to which Mr Cass and I both shout out "sue them you idiot"...cause the look on his face says dammit!

Like this:

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
ROFL

And:

"There's a terrible smell in this cafe,' said Clancy.

'Maybe it's the drains.'

'It can't be the drains,' answered Casey, 'we haven't got any!'

wyatt1 Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:42 pm

wyatt1 wrote:

Like this:

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

And:

"There's a terrible smell in this cafe,' said Clancy.

'Maybe it's the drains.'

'It can't be the drains,' answered Casey, 'we haven't got any!'

Hope you are feeling better Cass!!

.........................................................................................
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

Cass Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:49 pm

Lalalalalala....I'm not listening.......

Giggle

Feeling better...still hacking but at least my head isn't exploding xx

wyatt1 Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:08 pm

Cass wrote:Lalalalalala....I'm not listening.......

Giggle

Feeling better...still hacking but at least my head isn't exploding xx

Good.
Dunno if you can get them over there, but 'Covonia Lozenges' are really good for clearing sinuses and easing coughs. Thumbs up

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?"

"I tried to call for an ambulance."

bounce

Cass Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:32 pm

wyatt1 wrote:

Good.
Dunno if you can get them over there, but 'Covonia Lozenges' are really good for clearing sinuses and easing coughs.

I doubt it but have something similar with eucalyptus in it.....nuclear.....Mr Cass brought home an Indian take out last night....just about tasted it....2 more days of antibiotics and back to work tomorrow

Sounds like something I would do - ahem.....

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?"

"I tried to call for an ambulance."

Cass Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:33 pm

Uh oh...see??? I screwded up the quote thingummy....its the drugs I tell ya!

wyatt1 Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:43 pm

Cass wrote:Uh oh...see??? I screwded up the quote thingummy....its the drugs I tell ya!

Don't worry...Sorted!!!

wyatt1 Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:47 pm

wyatt1 wrote:
Don't worry...Sorted!!!

It was Christmas and the mood was festive. All the world put on a happy face and joy was the norm. Well, at least for most people. Not, unfortunately, for Brendan Quinn, a man of heavy heart, and no wonder. In the scramble to enjoy every minute of holiday, he'd hit the pub at 100 mph and before knowing it, had bought the world and his wife a drink. Suddenly he realised that, Noel or not, he was skint. What made it worse was that he'd not bought the turkey and ham for the Christmas dinner. What to do? How to explain it all to darling Betty? Think quick, Quinn, think quick or die.

As if the almighty were guiding his steps, Brendan found himself outside Daley's butcher's shop and there was Daley's dog. Bing! An idea formed in Brendan's brain and quick as you like he snatched up the dog and raced off to his garden shed. Grabbing his bicycle pump, he shoved the lead into the dog's mouth, gripped its jaws tight and began pumping air. Gradually little by little the dog began to swell. When it was about half as big again as normal he carried it back to Daley the butcher.

'Is this your dog?' he demanded.

'It is,' said Daley. 'But it looks bigger.'

'It certainly is bigger,' snorted Quinn. 'Because it's eaten our Christmas turkey and ham!'

'Many apologies,' spluttered Daley. 'Please let me make it up to you. Help yourself to turkey, ham, sausages and whatever else you want.'

Off skipped Quinn a man literally over the moon with satisfaction, to thoroughly enjoy the festive season.

It was New Year's Eve when he saw Daley again. As he passed the butcher's he noticed the front window smashed and Daley boarding it up.

'What happened?' asked Quinn. 'Burglars? Vandals?'

'No,' answered Daley. 'The strangest thing. I had just repaired a puncture on my bicycle and I got the pump to inflate the tyre. The dog took one look at the pump and dived straight through the window!'

affraid

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