Barbie Dolls

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. 

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " 

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? 

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 

"Why?" my daughter asked. 

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied. 

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart." 

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." 

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." 

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." 

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." 

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." 

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" 

WIFE: "In the pool."

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" 

Adam replies "Everything is just perfect here. The only thing I have to complain about is that I am lonely most of the time." 

God thinks for a minute and says " Well Adam, I can give you a mate that will cook for you, clean up after you, and love you forever and ever" 

"That would be great" Adam says "But it sure sounds expensive, what would that cost me?" 

" An arm and a leg" God says. 

Adam thinks for a minute and asks God " What can I get for a rib?"

I know who you are, you can't fool me

Costa wrote:I know who you are, you can't fool me

?

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"f**k this," "f**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

taken me a while but thinks it is you isn't it.................

gerber wrote:taken me a while but thinks it is you isn't it.................

You lot are freaking me out now. Who am I supposed to be?

Costa wrote:I know who you are, you can't fool me

Who do you think it is Costa?

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. 

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbour's daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. 

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the neighbour's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. 

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

Johnny and Susan go into a sweet shop and are amazed at all the sweets on offer , johnny ran around from counter to counter shouting '' Look at these Susan'' , '' these will be nice but wont last ''. After an hour the shopkeeper gets fed up with Johnnies indecision and says to Johnny 

  , '' there must be something that will keep you quite in here'' Susan quickly replies '' Give him some gob stoppers ,that will shut him up''. quick as a flash johnny asks '' Have you got a cock for Susan''


  

ALLAKAKA wrote:Johnny and Susan go into a sweet shop and are amazed at all the sweets on offer , johnny ran around from counter to counter shouting '' Look at these Susan'' , '' these will be nice but wont last ''. After an hour the shopkeeper gets fed up with Johnnies indecision and says to Johnny 

  , '' there must be something that will keep you quite in here'' Susan quickly replies '' Give him some gob stoppers ,that will shut him up''. quick as a flash johnny asks '' Have you got a cock for Susan''


  

Quiet

Now heres someone who WILL NOT be complaining   when  i pull them up for typos in the future

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: "Curl Up and Dye."

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" 
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." 
"What was the result?" 
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" 

"Well, yes, but only once." 
"Once is all it takes" he replied. 


Then the torso came out and it was yellow. 
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" 
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once." 

"Once is all it takes," he said. 
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. 
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once." 
"Once is all it takes," he said. 

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"