PEARLY GATE MK 3

After a long and eventful life old Walter passed away peacefully in his sleep and woke up outside the pearly gates where St Peter was sitting at his desk, writing in a huge book.

"Ah, a new entrant?" asked the saint looking up from his work. "There's a bit of paperwork to do and I'm just finishing off the last arrival's details so if you would just hang on for a few minutes I'll be with you..."

Walter looked around the beautiful hall containing the famous pearly gates and saw that the walls were covered with clocks. Millions and millions of them.

"Er, St Peter," said Walter, "could I ask what all these clocks are for?"

"Yes, certainly," the saint replied looking up from his book. "Those are truth clocks. Everyone on earth has a truth clock which begins set at midnight on the day that they are born and then advances by one second every time they tell a lie."

Walter pointed to one clock still set at midnight. "Who's clock is that?" he asked.

"Ah, Mother Theresa's," said St Peter. "Good Christian woman. Never told a lie in her life."

"And that one?" said Walter, pointing at a clock showing just 30 seconds after midnight.

"That is George Washington's clock," Peter replied. ""He told a few fibs when he was a boy, but after he chopped down his father's cherry tree he never told another one."

"Tell me," said Walter. "I've been a Labour voter all my life and I wonder whether I could see Tony Blair's clock."

"Ah, well now, " St Peter said. "That's not possible at the moment I'm afraid. It's been very hot up here recently and Jesus has got it in his office, using it as a ceiling fan."

Lord Edmund Moletrousers wrote:After a long and eventful life old Walter passed away peacefully in his sleep and woke up outside the pearly gates where St Peter was sitting at his desk, writing in a huge book.

"Ah, a new entrant?" asked the saint looking up from his work. "There's a bit of paperwork to do and I'm just finishing off the last arrival's details so if you would just hang on for a few minutes I'll be with you..."

Walter looked around the beautiful hall containing the famous pearly gates and saw that the walls were covered with clocks. Millions and millions of them.

"Er, St Peter," said Walter, "could I ask what all these clocks are for?"

"Yes, certainly," the saint replied looking up from his book. "Those are truth clocks. Everyone on earth has a truth clock which begins set at midnight on the day that they are born and then advances by one second every time they tell a lie."

Walter pointed to one clock still set at midnight. "Who's clock is that?" he asked.

"Ah, Mother Theresa's," said St Peter. "Good Christian woman. Never told a lie in her life."

"And that one?" said Walter, pointing at a clock showing just 30 seconds after midnight.

"That is George Washington's clock," Peter replied. ""He told a few fibs when he was a boy, but after he chopped down his father's cherry tree he never told another one."

"Tell me," said Walter. "I've been a Labour voter all my life and I wonder whether I could see Tony Blair's clock."

"Ah, well now, " St Peter said. "That's not possible at the moment I'm afraid. It's been very hot up here recently and Jesus has got it in his office, using it as a ceiling fan."

At the construction job

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"