Blown up

A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.
"I was just letting some of the air out of Dad because he's too fat," said Mum.
The girl replies, "What's the point? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

wyatt1 wrote:A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.
"I was just letting some of the air out of Dad because he's too fat," said Mum.
The girl replies, "What's the point? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

Evening Mr Wyatt, hope you're well xxx

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.

The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

feelthelove wrote:



Evening Mr Wyatt, hope you're well xxx

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.

The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

Hiya FTL, xxx
Howaya??

I knew we should have used a bigger lock on the cellar !!!! You didn't get him back did you ????


Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I got back to the apartement she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refridgerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here." St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in." The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refridgerator on me and I wound up here." St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough. Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refridgerator..."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty909.html

wyatt1 wrote:


Hiya FTL, xxx
Howaya??

I knew we should have used a bigger lock on the cellar !!!! You didn't get him back did you ????


Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I got back to the apartement she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refridgerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here." St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in." The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refridgerator on me and I wound up here." St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough. Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refridgerator..."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty909.html

Hi Mr Wyatt xxx

I'm very well thank you, hope you're ok and taking care of my babies x

Yes. he's returned. We need to make another plan

In the meantime........

Ice Fishing

A blonde decides she needs a new hobby for the winter season. She goes to the bookstore and buys every book she can find on ice fishing. For weeks she reads and studies, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decides the time has come for her first ice fishing expedition. She thoughtfully gathers and packs all the tools and equipment she might need for the excursion.

When she gets to the ice, she finds a quiet little area and places her padded stool. Carefully, she lays out her tools.

Just as she is about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellows, "There are no fish under the ice!!!"

Startled, the blonde grabs up her belongings and moves further along the ice. She pours some hot chocolate from her thermos and starts to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellows, "There are no fish under the ice!!!"

Amazed, the blonde isn't sure what to do. This certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packs up her gear and moves to the far side of the ice. She takes a few moments to regain her composure, then, just as she is about to cut a new hole, the voice booms again: "There are no fish under the ice!!!"

Petrified, the blonde looks skyward and asks, "Is that You, Lord?"

"NO," the voice booms back, "THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

feelthelove wrote:

Hi Mr Wyatt xxx

I'm very well thank you, hope you're ok and taking care of my babies x

Yes. he's returned. We need to make another plan

In the meantime........

Ice Fishing

A blonde decides she needs a new hobby for the winter season. She goes to the bookstore and buys every book she can find on ice fishing. For weeks she reads and studies, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decides the time has come for her first ice fishing expedition. She thoughtfully gathers and packs all the tools and equipment she might need for the excursion.

When she gets to the ice, she finds a quiet little area and places her padded stool. Carefully, she lays out her tools.

Just as she is about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellows, "There are no fish under the ice!!!"

Startled, the blonde grabs up her belongings and moves further along the ice. She pours some hot chocolate from her thermos and starts to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellows, "There are no fish under the ice!!!"

Amazed, the blonde isn't sure what to do. This certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packs up her gear and moves to the far side of the ice. She takes a few moments to regain her composure, then, just as she is about to cut a new hole, the voice booms again: "There are no fish under the ice!!!"

Petrified, the blonde looks skyward and asks, "Is that You, Lord?"

"NO," the voice booms back, "THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

Hi FTL xxx

They are all well looked after

I am getting a bigger and darker cellar, keep it quiet

And now:

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure."

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

wyatt1 wrote:


Hi FTL xxx

They are all well looked after

I am getting a bigger and darker cellar, keep it quiet

And now:

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure."

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

Good Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

Don't worry, the cellar is our secret x

Unrewarded

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow' x

feelthelove wrote:

Good Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

Don't worry, the cellar is our secret x

Unrewarded

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow' x

Hi FTL xxx
Yup bigger n better cellars (and darker )

Any spare 'Miracle Grow'???




Seamus had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a highish peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death.

'Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?'

Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice:

'I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Seamus. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!'

Seamus pondered for a while, and then said, 'I appreciate the offer. But is there anyone else up there?'

wyatt1 wrote:



Hi FTL xxx
Yup bigger n better cellars (and darker )

Any spare 'Miracle Grow'???




Seamus had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a highish peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death.

'Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?'

Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice:

'I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Seamus. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!'

Seamus pondered for a while, and then said, 'I appreciate the offer. But is there anyone else up there?'

Good Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

Hope you're well, I'll see if I can find some of that Miracle Grow for you. It's for a "friend" right? x

Wedding Deal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the Bishop with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the Bishop looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the Bishop and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The Bishop put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

feelthelove wrote:

Good Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

Hope you're well, I'll see if I can find some of that Miracle Grow for you. It's for a "friend" right? x

Wedding Deal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the Bishop with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the Bishop looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the Bishop and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The Bishop put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Hiya FTL xxxx

Of course it's for a friend

Is he still in the cellar????





GOLF:

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

wyatt1 wrote:


Hiya FTL xxxx

Of course it's for a friend

Is he still in the cellar????





GOLF:

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Good Afternoon Mr Wyatt xxx

I thought it'd be for a friend, what's this I hear about blue pills? Bring on the honeymoon

It's ok, he's still down there. For now

Buk Buk Bukkoook!

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Sorry, couldn't resist that one

feelthelove wrote:

Good Afternoon Mr Wyatt xxx

I thought it'd be for a friend, what's this I hear about blue pills? Bring on the honeymoon

It's ok, he's still down there. For now

Buk Buk Bukkoook!

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Sorry, couldn't resist that one

Hi FTL XXXX

I have been enquiring of Ryanair Submarines how many blue pills I am allowed to take aboard, I shall get back to you on that.

We will have to roll a bigger boulder onto that cellar door



Visit from the taxman


Jimmy lived in a beautiful sixteen-bedroomed mansion out in the country. The house stood in 200 acres of prime land and included a huge garage for his three Rolls-Royces and three Mercedes limousines. His paddock saw the daily training of his string of prime racehorses and show jumpers. His indoor swimming pool was of Olympic proportions and the main house included a full-sized cinema, a disco, and gym equipped with every possible modern machine and gadget.
To his door one morning came a gentleman dressed in a sober dark grey suit and wielding a briefcase.
'Ah, Mr Malloy, I'm from the Inland Revenue and would like to ask you one or two questions about your mobile fish and chip shop.'
'What sort of questions?' challenged Malloy.
'Well, for instance,' said the taxman, 'for the last five years your annual returns have never exceeded £5,000 and a couple of times the figure was less than £3,000.'
'That's true,' replied Jimmy. 'So what's the problem?'
'Well, you see,' said the man from the Revenue, 'we can't reconcile those figures with the life you lead.'
'Oh, I see,' beamed Malloy. 'You're talking about my wealthy lifestyle and huge assets. Well let me explain. It has nothing to do with the chip shop. You see, years ago I took up landscape gardening and whilst working on a site I began digging a drainage trench. My spade suddenly struck something hard and when I revealed the obstacle it was a chest full of treasure. Gold coins, jewels, trinkets and so on. Hence my wealth!'
'What a story,' said the taxman. 'Have you any proof of this?'
'Well,' said Malloy, 'I've got this house, these cars, these horses ...'

wyatt1 wrote:






Hi FTL XXXX

I have been enquiring of Ryanair Submarines how many blue pills I am allowed to take aboard, I shall get back to you on that.

We will have to roll a bigger boulder onto that cellar door



Visit from the taxman


Jimmy lived in a beautiful sixteen-bedroomed mansion out in the country. The house stood in 200 acres of prime land and included a huge garage for his three Rolls-Royces and three Mercedes limousines. His paddock saw the daily training of his string of prime racehorses and show jumpers. His indoor swimming pool was of Olympic proportions and the main house included a full-sized cinema, a disco, and gym equipped with every possible modern machine and gadget.
To his door one morning came a gentleman dressed in a sober dark grey suit and wielding a briefcase.
'Ah, Mr Malloy, I'm from the Inland Revenue and would like to ask you one or two questions about your mobile fish and chip shop.'
'What sort of questions?' challenged Malloy.
'Well, for instance,' said the taxman, 'for the last five years your annual returns have never exceeded £5,000 and a couple of times the figure was less than £3,000.'
'That's true,' replied Jimmy. 'So what's the problem?'
'Well, you see,' said the man from the Revenue, 'we can't reconcile those figures with the life you lead.'
'Oh, I see,' beamed Malloy. 'You're talking about my wealthy lifestyle and huge assets. Well let me explain. It has nothing to do with the chip shop. You see, years ago I took up landscape gardening and whilst working on a site I began digging a drainage trench. My spade suddenly struck something hard and when I revealed the obstacle it was a chest full of treasure. Gold coins, jewels, trinkets and so on. Hence my wealth!'
'What a story,' said the taxman. 'Have you any proof of this?'
'Well,' said Malloy, 'I've got this house, these cars, these horses ...'

Fantastic!

Good Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

There is a limit on blue pills???!!! Don't worry, we'll pay the excess baggage charges x

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

feelthelove wrote:

Fantastic!

Good Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

There is a limit on blue pills???!!! Don't worry, we'll pay the excess baggage charges x

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Hi FTL XXX

The crafty lucky sod !!!! :face:

Oh yes, they only allow 2 tons of blue pills aboard (not enough )
Keep your eye on that cellar!!

...................................

'Caught you!' said Policeman Muldoon. 'Poaching in the river me boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'

Halfway out of the wood Murphy the poacher pulled up in his tracks.

'Bedad,' said he, 'haven't I left me jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'

'No way,' said Muldoon. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'

wyatt1 wrote:


Hi FTL XXX

The crafty lucky sod !!!! :face:

Oh yes, they only allow 2 tons of blue pills aboard (not enough )
Keep your eye on that cellar!!

...................................

'Caught you!' said Policeman Muldoon. 'Poaching in the river me boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'

Halfway out of the wood Murphy the poacher pulled up in his tracks.

'Bedad,' said he, 'haven't I left me jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'

'No way,' said Muldoon. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'

Not the brightest hey?

Two tonnes? Blimey, how long are we going for???!!

Guarantees in Life

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

:shock:

feelthelove wrote:

Not the brightest hey?

Two tonnes? Blimey, how long are we going for???!!

Guarantees in Life

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

:shock:

I don't know about death, but the other two are certain!!!

2 tons = 2 days ... what are we going to do on the 3rd day??


..........................

Drunken brawl

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

wyatt1 wrote:






I don't know about death, but the other two are certain!!!

2 tons = 2 days ... what are we going to do on the 3rd day??


..........................

Drunken brawl

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

I'm sure we'll find something to do on the third day LOL!

BLONDE BANK ROBBERS !!!!

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde in great detail. The robbery begins.

The first blonde drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other blonde, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," she said. She goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and the first blonde is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out she comes. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard rushes out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon

As the gals are getting away, the first blonde says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

The second blonde said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!

"No, you idiot," she replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

feelthelove wrote:

Evening Mr Wyatt xxx

I'm sure we'll find something to do on the third day LOL!

BLONDE BANK ROBBERS !!!!

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde in great detail. The robbery begins.

The first blonde drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other blonde, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," she said. She goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and the first blonde is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out she comes. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard rushes out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon

As the gals are getting away, the first blonde says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

The second blonde said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!

"No, you idiot," she replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Hi FTL XXX
Oh dear!! talk about the wrong end of th stick (she's getting worse you know )


You know, I don't think it was a good idea to build the Cellar in the Attic after all, that's twice he's got out through the floor-boards!!

..............................................

Wrong number

'Hello. Is that Dublin double two, double two?' asked the caller.

'Indeed no,' said Murphy. 'It's Dublin two, two, two, two.'

'I'm sorry to have troubled you,' said the caller.

'It's all right,' said Murphy. 'I had to answer the phone anyway!'

wyatt1 wrote:


Hi FTL XXX
Oh dear!! talk about the wrong end of th stick (she's getting worse you know )


You know, I don't think it was a good idea to build the Cellar in the Attic after all, that's twice he's got out through the floor-boards!!

..............................................

Wrong number

'Hello. Is that Dublin double two, double two?' asked the caller.

'Indeed no,' said Murphy. 'It's Dublin two, two, two, two.'

'I'm sorry to have troubled you,' said the caller.

'It's all right,' said Murphy. 'I had to answer the phone anyway!'

Hi Mr Wyatt xxx

You're right, we need to think of a more secure alternative

Tazan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

feelthelove wrote:



Hi Mr Wyatt xxx

You're right, we need to think of a more secure alternative

Tazan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

Love it


I'll have a look for a bigger cellar on e-bay!!
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Traveling on the train
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. 

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. 

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." 

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." 

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again." 

wyatt1 wrote:



Love it


I'll have a look for a bigger cellar on e-bay!!
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Traveling on the train
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. 

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. 

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." 

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." 

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again." 

Hi Mr Wyatt, make sure you check it out this time; my nerves are in shreds xxx

Any more thoughts on the honeymoon? After last nights dream I'm thinking luxury xxxx

Next.......

On a plane there was a blonde, brunnette, and red head! The brunnette tried a lemon and said eeww to sour and threw it out the window!

The red head tried an apple and said eeww to crunchy and the blonde found a stick of dinamite under her seat and threw it out the window!

Later that day they were walking down an street and saw a little girl cryin the brunette says little girl whats wrong and the girl answers a lemon fell out of the sky and killed my kitten!

So they all began walking faster! Next they came upon a little boy crying the red head walks up and says little boy why are you crying and he answered an apple fell out of the sky and killed my puppy!!

So they began walking even faster than before and they came upon a little boy laughing his head off the blonde asks little boy what is so funny and he looked behind him and answers i farted and the building behind me blew up!

feelthelove wrote:



Hi Mr Wyatt, make sure you check it out this time; my nerves are in shreds xxx

Any more thoughts on the honeymoon? After last nights dream I'm thinking luxury xxxx

Next.......

On a plane there was a blonde, brunnette, and red head! The brunnette tried a lemon and said eeww to sour and threw it out the window!

The red head tried an apple and said eeww to crunchy and the blonde found a stick of dinamite under her seat and threw it out the window!

Later that day they were walking down an street and saw a little girl cryin the brunette says little girl whats wrong and the girl answers a lemon fell out of the sky and killed my kitten!

So they all began walking faster! Next they came upon a little boy crying the red head walks up and says little boy why are you crying and he answered an apple fell out of the sky and killed my puppy!!

So they began walking even faster than before and they came upon a little boy laughing his head off the blonde asks little boy what is so funny and he looked behind him and answers i farted and the building behind me blew up!

I'll get one without the door next time, that way he can't pick the lock to get out. (brilliant !!!)


We will hire a double-decker Ryanair Submarine, that should be OK.




A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

wyatt1 wrote:






I'll get one without the door next time, that way he can't pick the lock to get out. (brilliant !!!)


We will hire a double-decker Ryanair Submarine, that should be OK.




A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

How rude!!! You do remember I'm blonde don't you

Have you considered another method?

MIDNIGHT

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times.

He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict.

Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock.

She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh f**k', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

feelthelove wrote:

How rude!!! You do remember I'm blonde don't you

Have you considered another method?

MIDNIGHT

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times.

He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict.

Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock.

She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh f**k', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

great

Ooops , it was a red-head of course


A lead balloon ??, have to think about that one !!

................................................

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

wyatt1 wrote:



great

Ooops , it was a red-head of course


A lead balloon ??, have to think about that one !!

................................................

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

Morning Mr Wyatt xxx

Seems I left myself logged in all night (again)! Yes, I know, blonde

The Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

feelthelove wrote:



Morning Mr Wyatt xxx

Seems I left myself logged in all night (again)! Yes, I know, blonde

The Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Hi FTL xxx
Hows you

Good move, saved you logging in again


That blonde must be hiding, I can't find her today so instead:


A man goes to the pharmacy. He asks the pharmacist for a black condom. The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think they exist."
"Find one." The man says. "I've seen them, I know that they exist." The pharmacist promises to look, but doesn't believe he'll find anything.
Three days later the man gets a call. It's the pharmacist saying, "I don't believe it but I found a black condom. Come pick it up."
The man comes to the pharmacy. He picks up the condom, but the pharmacist says, "I must ask, why did it have to be black?"
The man replies, "I have to give my condolences to my best friend's widow."