More aid

I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get.
It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments?
Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids, but she showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid out for these gadgets?
Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, though, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.
I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know?
I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?
Yours faithfully, 
Seamus O'Toole