MORE PEARLY GATES

Four Irish "travellers" were escaping after stealing a load of copper cable from a power station when their car was clipped by a lorry, skidded, turned over and all were killed outright.

Suddenly they found themselves outside the pearly gates where St Peter was having his mid morning cup of tea.

"What can I do for you gentlemen?" asked St. Peter.

"Well, your honour, 'tis loike this," said Seamus, the leader of the quartet. "We was returning home after pinching, er, attending mass and our car was hit by a bloody big, begging your pardon, sor, by a very large lorry and we were all killed. Now we've come to ask for our place in heaven."

"And were you God-fearing Christians while you were on earth?" asked the saint.

"Oh, yes, sor, that we were. We were all altar boys in our youth."

St Peter looked at them suspiciously. "Actually, you were'nt returning from Mass were you? You are pikeys, sorry, travellers and had been out thieving when you crashed and were killed."

Seamus looked cretfallen "Aye, sor, that we were...but 'twas only because our poor wee children were starving and...."

St Peter held up his hand. "Enough! I have to refer your request to higher authority. We only have very limited space left in heaven and priority has to go to those who have not sinned...and you four have broken the commandment 'thou shalt not steal.' Wait here." And off he went to Jesus's" office.

"Pikeys, eh?" said Jesus. "I'm not so sure the boss will allow them in knowing how things are likely to disappear. You go back and tell them to hang on for a few minutes while I ask God to decide."

St Peter left and several minutes later his phone rang and it was Jesus on the line. "I'm afraid it's as I thought...God says that we can't let them enter heaven, the place being so crowded and places having to be given to those who have not sinned. You'd better give them the bad news."

"Well I would, Jesus," St Peter replied, "but they've gone...and so have the pearly gates, Gabriel's horn, Moses's Commandment tablets, my keys, the gold plate that John the Baptist's head was on and all the angels' harps..."

Lord Edmund Moletrousers wrote:Four Irish "travellers" were escaping after stealing a load of copper cable from a power station when their car was clipped by a lorry, skidded, turned over and all were killed outright.

Suddenly they found themselves outside the pearly gates where St Peter was having his mid morning cup of tea.

"What can I do for you gentlemen?" asked St. Peter.

"Well, your honour, 'tis loike this," said Seamus, the leader of the quartet. "We was returning home after pinching, er, attending mass and our car was hit by a bloody big, begging your pardon, sor, by a very large lorry and we were all killed. Now we've come to ask for our place in heaven."

"And were you God-fearing Christians while you were on earth?" asked the saint.

"Oh, yes, sor, that we were. We were all altar boys in our youth."

St Peter looked at them suspiciously. "Actually, you were'nt returning from Mass were you? You are pikeys, sorry, travellers and had been out thieving when you crashed and were killed."

Seamus looked cretfallen "Aye, sor, that we were...but 'twas only because our poor wee children were starving and...."

St Peter held up his hand. "Enough! I have to refer your request to higher authority. We only have very limited space left in heaven and priority has to go to those who have not sinned...and you four have broken the commandment 'thou shalt not steal.' Wait here." And off he went to Jesus's" office.

"Pikeys, eh?" said Jesus. "I'm not so sure the boss will allow them in knowing how things are likely to disappear. You go back and tell them to hang on for a few minutes while I ask God to decide."

St Peter left and several minutes later his phone rang and it was Jesus on the line. "I'm afraid it's as I thought...God says that we can't let them enter heaven, the place being so crowded and places having to be given to those who have not sinned. You'd better give them the bad news."

"Well I would, Jesus," St Peter replied, "but they've gone...and so have the pearly gates, Gabriel's horn, Moses's Commandment tablets, my keys, the gold plate that John the Baptist's head was on and all the angels' harps..."

Where have you been?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

I like them both.