URINE SPECIMEN

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look
at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm
a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in
the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to
bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine
specimen is, what am I to do?"

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole,
she'll know what to do."

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a
few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What
happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and
she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !'
And the fight was on.

wyatt1 wrote:One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look
at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm
a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in
the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to
bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine
specimen is, what am I to do?"

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole,
she'll know what to do."

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a
few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What
happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and
she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !'
And the fight was on.

Chicken Joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

feelthelove wrote:



Chicken Joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

That has baffled people through the ages.Now we know.


Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your
trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty
comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
:bom:

wyatt1 wrote:



That has baffled people through the ages.Now we know.


Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your
trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty
comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
:bom:

Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

feelthelove wrote:



Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

Aha, that proves we are Brilliant.



A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin'
with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells
barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother
country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll
be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the
pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley
twins are here getting drunk again.

wyatt1 wrote:




Aha, that proves we are Brilliant.



A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin'
with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells
barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother
country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll
be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the
pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley
twins are here getting drunk again.

Ohhh we're going to get in trouble offending the Irish

The Dog

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

feelthelove wrote:

Ohhh we're going to get in trouble offending the Irish

The Dog

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Terrific


Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are
sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and,
after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off
towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would
you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

wyatt1 wrote:



Terrific


Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are
sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and,
after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off
towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would
you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

Ouch!!!

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Poor duck

feelthelove wrote:

Ouch!!!

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Poor duck

And it gets worse :face:

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.