The Blonde Man

wyatt1 wrote:




I'm innercent I tell you , I wasn't there when I done it.


Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied

:face: :face:

Hahaha! Fantastic xxx

You? Innocent? I'll believe you

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

feelthelove wrote:

Hahaha! Fantastic xxx

You? Innocent? I'll believe you

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

It was a fix, God was clearly biased!! We demand a replay




A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but " stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

wyatt1 wrote:



It was a fix, God was clearly biased!! We demand a replay

You snooze you lose xxx

wyatt1 wrote:



It was a fix, God was clearly biased!! We demand a replay




A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but " stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

I messed that one up.!!!!

wyatt1 wrote:



It was a fix, God was clearly biased!! We demand a replay




A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but " stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

Replay? OK you're on

Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies when Dan say "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."

Will gives him some advince by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"

Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.

They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."

After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."

feelthelove wrote:



Replay? OK you're on

Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies when Dan say "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."

Will gives him some advince by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"

Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.

They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."

After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."

Yipppeeee



Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

wyatt1 wrote:



Yipppeeee



Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

Sauce? x

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

feelthelove wrote:

Sauce? x

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Guaranteed heart attack



"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

wyatt1 wrote:



Guaranteed heart attack



"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Hey Mr Wyatt xxx

Hope you're well!

My turn

Fix The Dents

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ..."HELLLLOOOO!!!You need to roll up the windows."

feelthelove wrote:

Hey Mr Wyatt xxx

Hope you're well!

My turn

Fix The Dents

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ..."HELLLLOOOO!!!You need to roll up the windows."

Hiya FTL xxx

I,m good, how you?

The roommate knows wot she's talking about


It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.