Lord Nelson

Guest Wed May 30, 2012 11:06 am

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't
what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England
expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual
orientation, religious persuasion or disability.

'What gobbledygook is this for
God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy,
I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's
own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy.
Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval
vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break
open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before
battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has
been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge
drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens,
Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find
that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It’s an environment
protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are
on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all
dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be
possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety
have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said
that rope ladders don't meet regulations.

They won't let anyone up there
until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the
ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking
up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access?
I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination
requirements, sir.

We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled....."

Nelson: "Differently abled?
I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.

I didn't rise to the rank of
Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you
did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and
limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give
me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems
there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without
hard hats.

And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard
such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit
worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is
mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir.
It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually
kill anyone.

There are a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to
sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're
not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French
and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries
Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a
claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a
Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the
ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on
disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider
every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir.
We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's
the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me -
health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: “”As I explained, sir, rum
is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is
now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case. kiss
me, Hardy."