Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" :shock:



You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

wyatt1 wrote:A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" :shock:



You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Fantastic

feelthelove wrote:

Fantastic

Hi FTL

Before going on holiday, check this out



Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.



Not referring to you of course

wyatt1 wrote:





Hi FTL

Before going on holiday, check this out



Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.



Not referring to you of course

Who's been talking (again)?!!!

No hols Mr Wyatt, working unfortunately but I'm sure I'll have time for a little fun

Best bit is waking up in a bed that is not yours but several streets away........ A friend did it once

gerber wrote:Best bit is waking up in a bed that is not yours but several streets away........ A friend did it once

Or:
Sitting there half-dressed, wondering if you are going to bed or getting up :sleep:

wyatt1 wrote:





Or:
Sitting there half-dressed, wondering if you are going to bed or getting up :sleep:

Blimey, I haven't lived

feelthelove wrote:

Blimey, I haven't lived

The worst fear was that one might just live

feelthelove wrote:

Blimey, I haven't lived

You have but the drink ( Conscience ) has restricted your memory

In my former life in the RAF I was serving in The Falklands (a notorious place for drinking), and I was in bed in a four man room. It was about 4 am when a drunken 'person' came in and proceeded to pull me out of my bed accusing me of being in his bed.

After a short argument he refused to be persuaded that this was not his room even with the other three members of the room backing me up, so I physically corrected his misunderstanding.

It's different when you are on the receiving end of the drunks!

Mystic Moon wrote:

THE BEER PRAYER Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be Thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.

Can I join that church??




Presents for the Wife


Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

LOL, You can join the Beer Church as long as I can marry the doctor.

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right.

He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Mystic Moon wrote:A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right.

He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

Mystic Moon wrote:A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right.

He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Brilliant!