He is extremely drunk

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

wyatt1 wrote:Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

Fantastic Mr Wyatt x

Two policemen sitting in their car in the early hours of Sunday morning in Enfield town centre. All of a sudden a car screeches past them, mounts the curb, flips in the air, does 3 spins and lands right inside a DIY shop window. The coppers leg it to the scene and by some miracle the driver is still alive. As one of the coppers is pulling him from the car he sniffs the driver's breath and exclaims,
"Hold on a minute, are you drunk?"

To which the driver replies,
"Course I am....hic.... did you think I was a f**king stunt man!"

The Prisoner wrote:Two policemen sitting in their car in the early hours of Sunday morning in Enfield town centre. All of a sudden a car screeches past them, mounts the curb, flips in the air, does 3 spins and lands right inside a DIY shop window. The coppers leg it to the scene and by some miracle the driver is still alive. As one of the coppers is pulling him from the car he sniffs the driver's breath and exclaims,
"Hold on a minute, are you drunk?"

To which the driver replies,
"Course I am....hic.... did you think I was a f**king stunt man!"

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

The Prisoner wrote:Two policemen sitting in their car in the early hours of Sunday morning in Enfield town centre. All of a sudden a car screeches past them, mounts the curb, flips in the air, does 3 spins and lands right inside a DIY shop window. The coppers leg it to the scene and by some miracle the driver is still alive. As one of the coppers is pulling him from the car he sniffs the driver's breath and exclaims,
"Hold on a minute, are you drunk?"

To which the driver replies,
"Course I am....hic.... did you think I was a f**king stunt man!"

Very good Keith!

wyatt1 wrote:






Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Naughty Mr Wyatt

feelthelove wrote:

Naughty Mr Wyatt

OH Dear, I've done it now! (so to make up)


Ode to cranky men

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

wyatt1 wrote:

OH Dear, I've done it now! (so to make up)


Ode to cranky men

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

OK, I forgive you, I love your jokes really

feelthelove wrote:

OK, I forgive you, I love your jokes really

I love those 'smilies'




I am not forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


Wot was I sayin'???

wyatt1 wrote:

I love those 'smilies'

I am not forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


Wot was I sayin'???

I'm bad enough now, goodness knows how I'll cope in 10 years time

feelthelove wrote:

I'm bad enough now, goodness knows how I'll cope in 10 years time

AAhh, you're only a youngster yet.



Sharing everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

wyatt1 wrote:

AAhh, you're only a youngster yet.

Sharing everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Ahhh, thanks Wyatt x

.....and I take great care of my teeth

feelthelove wrote:

Ahhh, thanks Wyatt x

.....and I take great care of my teeth

You're very welcome



So do I , if the cat hasn't got them



Old maid's burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money

I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room

Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

"I am so tired," she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn't asleep at all

And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

"Young man, if you don't marry me,

I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn't a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

wyatt1 wrote:

You're very welcome



So do I , if the cat hasn't got them



Old maid's burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money

I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room

Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

"I am so tired," she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn't asleep at all

And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

"Young man, if you don't marry me,

I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn't a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

The cat?!!!

feelthelove wrote:

The cat?!!!

Very well trained cat, she lets me borrow them sometimes


I have "great" news for you

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
:face: