Adam n Eve

First topic message reminder :

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

feelthelove wrote:

I don't have any children so I'll never be a Granny. I fully plan to be totally outrageous though

Poor woman

Liquor

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Was that on Virgin Atlantic





A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

wyatt1 wrote:

Was that on Virgin Atlantic

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Dad

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.

After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother.

The same problem happens again four more times!

The girl starts to get pissed off.

She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

feelthelove wrote:



Dad

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.

After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother.

The same problem happens again four more times!

The girl starts to get pissed off.

She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Two men were working on top of a building.

Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their boss. Unsurprisingly, during the day one man had to take a piss so he asked his co-worker to help him slide a plank of wood out the edge of the building, then his co-worker could stand on the end of the plank on the building while he walked out to the other end and take his piss.

While the guy was taking a piss the boss came round the corner and his co-worker on the building end of the plank stepped off and attempted to appear active. The guy on the other end of the plank fell off the building and died.

A police investigation had to be carried out, since it appeared mysterious that a man would fall from a building holding his prick.

After questioning people who were around, only one old woman could give proper evidence.

When questioned she told the police that the man must have been having sex on the rooftop because as he was falling, he was crying, "Oh Lord the velvet clam moved".

wyatt1 wrote:











Two men were working on top of a building.

Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their boss. Unsurprisingly, during the day one man had to take a piss so he asked his co-worker to help him slide a plank of wood out the edge of the building, then his co-worker could stand on the end of the plank on the building while he walked out to the other end and take his piss.

While the guy was taking a piss the boss came round the corner and his co-worker on the building end of the plank stepped off and attempted to appear active. The guy on the other end of the plank fell off the building and died.

A police investigation had to be carried out, since it appeared mysterious that a man would fall from a building holding his prick.

After questioning people who were around, only one old woman could give proper evidence.

When questioned she told the police that the man must have been having sex on the rooftop because as he was falling, he was crying, "Oh Lord the velvet clam moved".

I don't understand that one Mr Wyatt?

Blondes

Two blondes were sitting at a table in a club, when a guy invites one of them to dance. She asks him: You are so pale! Why don't you spend more time in the sun?

I was in jail.

Why?

I killed my wife.
The girl goes back to her friend and says: I'm so lucky! He's not married!

feelthelove wrote:

I don't understand that one Mr Wyatt?

Blondes

Two blondes were sitting at a table in a club, when a guy invites one of them to dance. She asks him: You are so pale! Why don't you spend more time in the sun?

I was in jail.

Why?

I killed my wife.
The girl goes back to her friend and says: I'm so lucky! He's not married!

RE Men on building:
Censoring spoils the effect.
RE Men on building: Instead of 'O Lord the 'Velvet Clam' moved. Insert: O Lord the ('C word') moved.




Poor blondes


A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

Again, there is a bright flash and..........both his legs fall off.

wyatt1 wrote:



RE Men on building:
Censoring spoils the effect.
RE Men on building: Instead of 'O Lord the 'Velvet Clam' moved. Insert: O Lord the ('C word') moved.




Poor blondes


A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

Again, there is a bright flash and..........both his legs fall off.

Thanks for explaining! For future ref is that Dean's censor for the C word?

OMG poor guy :face:

Eggs

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right, there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Women are very mean.

feelthelove wrote:

Thanks for explaining! For future ref is that Dean's censor for the C word?

OMG poor guy :face:

Eggs

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right, there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Women are very mean.

Yes that is the sensor for the 'C' word.




Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

wyatt1 wrote:




Yes that is the sensor for the 'C' word.




Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!

Outrageous

feelthelove wrote:



The Hypnotist

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!

Outrageous

The gast is flabberred :face:







The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn't.

All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

wyatt1 wrote:


The gast is flabberred :face:







The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn't.

All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

Wow, I don't think I've ever flabbered a gast before

feelthelove wrote:

Wow, I don't think I've ever flabbered a gast before

You are now a fully qualified Gast Flabber, key to the exec toilets is in the post.

Start today.

To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !

wyatt1 wrote:



You are now a fully qualified Gast Flabber, key to the exec toilets is in the post.

Start today.

To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !

Hi FTL xxx

wyatt1 wrote:



Hi FTL xxx

Hello Mr Wyatt xxx

I loved that one! I've used the "I think you do with some more training" loads of times. Perfect for my kind of working environment

Nudist Camp

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father.

The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.

That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.

"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."

feelthelove wrote:

Hello Mr Wyatt xxx

I loved that one! I've used the "I think you do with some more training" loads of times. Perfect for my kind of working environment

Nudist Camp

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father.

The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.

That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.

"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."

guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

wyatt1 wrote:











guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

Lock up the kitties Mr Wyatt

Bull

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!

"Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

feelthelove wrote:

Lock up the kitties Mr Wyatt

Bull

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!

"Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

wyatt1 wrote:










An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Three ladies

Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that Far!

feelthelove wrote:




Three ladies

Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that Far!

Great that smilie!! Watch Bob doesn't report you.





Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people".

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response.

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one".

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!"

No response.

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T f**k WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

wyatt1 wrote:


Great that smilie!! Watch Bob doesn't report you.





Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people".

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response.

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one".

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!"

No response.

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T f**k WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

Fantastic

No, Bob won't report me, it's all about balance

Rolex

My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

feelthelove wrote:

Fantastic

No, Bob won't report me, it's all about balance

Rolex

My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

I like the balance.



OO you are awful, but I like you.





There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''

wyatt1 wrote:

I like the balance.



OO you are awful, but I like you.





There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''

Sorry Mr Wyatt, I have a naughty sense of humour x

Black Testicles

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?

feelthelove wrote:



Sorry Mr Wyatt, I have a naughty sense of humour x

Black Testicles

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?

You are irreplaceable




A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

wyatt1 wrote:



You are irreplaceable




A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Fantastic, I bet she wasn't expecting that

Thanks Wyatt, irreplaceable in a good way I hope xxx



After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty.

The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said.

"Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it!

I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't
do it."

"So what did you do?" said the doctor.

"We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"

"But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

feelthelove wrote:

Fantastic, I bet she wasn't expecting that

Thanks Wyatt, irreplaceable in a good way I hope xxx



After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty.

The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said.

"Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it!

I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't
do it."

"So what did you do?" said the doctor.

"We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"

"But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

Good way of course







"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

wyatt1 wrote:




Good way of course







"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

OMG x


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."