Cats indifferent to your fate

REPORTS that a cat-borne parasite can seriously harm humans have been greeted with indifference by cats.

Everything is just fine
Toxoplasma infects thousands of homo sapiens each month and can cause cysts in the human brain. However cats do not see the issue as a priority.

Overweight grey cat Roy Hobbs said: “Thanks for the heads up, but these balls aren’t going to lick themselves.”

Black and white three-year-old cat Nikki Hollis said: “The main action I’ll be taking is going back to sleep.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “When we all start dropping like flies from the smorgasbord of cat diseases, they will briefly wonder why everything is so quiet before carrying on doing f**k all for 23 hours a day.

“That lovable family pet of yours is a stealthy toxoplasmosis bullet and you may as well give scraps of chicken to a screaming lunatic wearing a Semtex waistcoat.

“Don’t assume your mouldering corpse will be viewed as anything other than a minor obstruction between cat and catflap.”

The elderly-friendly harbingers of death have established an effective relationship with humans based on lonely people choosing to misinterpret their demands for food as some sort of affection.

Brubaker said: “Sensible people always thought that cats are nasty little bastards that enjoy messing with us but it’s actually worse than that – they barely know we exist.”