Blonde Cookbook!

First topic message reminder :

MONDAY: The recipe for today is angel food cake. You have to beat 12 eggs separately, so I'm lucky the neighbours had some extra bowls to let me borrow.



TUESDAY: Fruit salad supper, serve without dressing. I didn't get dressed at all, as per recipe, and what a surprise when my boyfriend brought his friends home for supper.



WEDNESDAY: Rice pilaf, wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. I took a good bath and washed very thoroughly, even between my toes. The taste of the rice was same as last time for some reason, so washing doesn't seem to help.


THURSDAY: New salad recipe for a change. Prepare ingredients by laying a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. I was rolling around in the garden laying on the lettuce heads for one hour and then I got sunburned. 



FRIDAY: Being Friday, it's great to try some treats, so today it's time to make cookies. The recipe calls for placing the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. I beat it to the grocery store to pick up some more milk, came back, but nothing happened to the ingredients I placed in the bowl. I ended up throwing the whole thing out, what a waste. 



SATURDAY: My boyfriend's parents came to our house and stayed for dinner. I wanted to serve roast but we only had hamburgers in the freezer. I put the hamburgers in the oven, and set the dial to roast. Unfortunately, the taste was still almost exactly like hamburger, just a bit roasted. 



This has been a great time cooking and I'm having a lot of fun. I can't wait until we buy a new and much bigger oven, because I want to surprise my boyfriend with chocolate mousse. 



 

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL xxx  


A Frog,   I didn't know about the  Frenchman,  what was he incarcerated for??    

Kit is taking lessons from the 'Fukawi'  cannonball chef  .   



And our blonde's  Grandad finally cracked :



This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’


 

 With a husband like that who needs enemies???!!!

Hi Mr Wyatt  xxxx

A frenchman??? 

Un Français! Je n'ai aucune idée où il est?? Peut-être qu'il compte ses oignons? Qui a dit que le romantisme est mort?  

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother Overseas!" 

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" he asked the blonde.

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised. 

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did. He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!" 


The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO... MOM!"   

feelthelove wrote: With a husband like that who needs enemies???!!!

Hi Mr Wyatt  xxxx

A frenchman??? 

Un Français! Je n'ai aucune idée où il est?? Peut-être qu'il compte ses oignons? Qui a dit que le romantisme est mort?  

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother Overseas!" 

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" he asked the blonde.

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised. 

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did. He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!" 


The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO... MOM!"   

Hi FTL   xxx

Nice day here,  lots of sun !!

Sacre Blud !!  my computer is addressing me in French,  I shall dismember it shortly.      


Did she get through to her Mum ???   

 
Then she goes shopping !!:

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. 
Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
 "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container:
"To apply, push up bottom."


I refuse to comment      

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL   xxx

Nice day here,  lots of sun !!

Sacre Blud !!  my computer is addressing me in French,  I shall dismember it shortly.      


Did she get through to her Mum ???   

 
Then she goes shopping !!:

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. 
Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
 "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container:
"To apply, push up bottom."


I refuse to comment      

Hi Mr Wyatt  xxx

Hope you're well and the kitties are behaving!  You? Lost for words, never  

Been mental busy lately, good job I've got a holiday to look forward to  I'm heading to that place where they talk funny tomorrow for a couple of days.  I think they call it "The North"....

Wish me luck 


A man has to go on a business trip for the weekend so he gives his blonde wife a new cell phone. 

"You can use this phone to reach me in case of an emergency as well as for your everyday use," he told her. "Thanks, I'll do just that”, she said. 

Well the man returned home from his trip to find his wife very upset. "What's wrong honey?", he asked. "This stupid phone you gave me is a piece of crap, that's what's wrong!" 

"Fine. Tell me what happened" 

"Well, she said, I turned the phone on, pressed the menu button, placed my order, pressed the send button and no one has delivered me any food yet!" 

feelthelove wrote:Hi Mr Wyatt  xxx

Hope you're well and the kitties are behaving!  You? Lost for words, never  

Been mental busy lately, good job I've got a holiday to look forward to  I'm heading to that place where they talk funny tomorrow for a couple of days.  I think they call it "The North"....

Wish me luck 


A man has to go on a business trip for the weekend so he gives his blonde wife a new cell phone. 

"You can use this phone to reach me in case of an emergency as well as for your everyday use," he told her. "Thanks, I'll do just that”, she said. 

Well the man returned home from his trip to find his wife very upset. "What's wrong honey?", he asked. "This stupid phone you gave me is a piece of crap, that's what's wrong!" 

"Fine. Tell me what happened" 

"Well, she said, I turned the phone on, pressed the menu button, placed my order, pressed the send button and no one has delivered me any food yet!" 

Hi FTL    xxx

Self n Kits are fine ,  hows you??

If you accidentally go further North than intended,  remember the password in the event of being hijacked by 'you know whos'  and add  in a loud voice " McGonagall is the World's  BEST  POET,   FACT" They will instantly release you and flee in terror.


WARNING

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. 

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Cure = Holiday !!!!    

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL    xxx

Self n Kits are fine ,  hows you??

If you accidentally go further North than intended,  remember the password in the event of being hijacked by 'you know whos'  and add  in a loud voice " McGonagall is the World's  BEST  POET,   FACT" They will instantly release you and flee in terror.


WARNING

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. 

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Cure = Holiday !!!!    

 I love it!! I need a holiday, see change a letter!!!

I'm good thank you Mr Wyatt  xxx

Don't worry, I have the password committed to memory, I just need to practice the accent 

feelthelove wrote: I love it!! I need a holiday, see change a letter!!!

I'm good thank you Mr Wyatt  xxx

Don't worry, I have the password committed to memory, I just need to practice the accent 

A blonde decides to make an experiment. She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.

It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk. 

It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk. It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk. 

Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk. It doesn't move so she comes up with a conclusion. Spiders with no legs are deaf.  

Don't worry about the accent,  just use a loud voice (like Ian Paisley)   





See what our blonde's Mum has done ??? :

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'


Her is clever her is !!!   

Afternoon Mr Wyatt  xxx

She's baaaaccckkkkk 

Three Women In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

feelthelove wrote:Afternoon Mr Wyatt  xxx

She's baaaaccckkkkk 

Three Women In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

Hi FTL      xxxxx

She has just gone down to the pub !!!!   




A rather attractive blonde  woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. 

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. 

"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. 

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." 


    Can't take her anywhere !!!!

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL      xxxxx

She has just gone down to the pub !!!!   




A rather attractive blonde  woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. 

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. 

"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. 

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." 


    Can't take her anywhere !!!!

Oh My God that's awful Mr Wyatt?!!!!!     



Blonde Joke - To Catch A Man


Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her! friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad. 

Liz "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??" Sally," Cause I just can't get a man." 


Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about." 

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man." 

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

feelthelove wrote:Oh My God that's awful Mr Wyatt?!!!!!     



Blonde Joke - To Catch A Man


Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her! friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad. 

Liz "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??" Sally," Cause I just can't get a man." 


Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about." 

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man." 

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

  


She's having a night off,  so:

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

wyatt1 wrote:  


She's having a night off,  so:

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 Evening Mr Wyatt! Hope you and the kitties are well  xxxx

The blonde sat down ready to take her math exam. She knew she would cheat since she had the smartest kid in her grade sitting beside her. She copied his whole test page by page. Feeling confident in her answers she gets up and gives her paper to the teacher.


She stands there waiting for the teacher to respond in amazment. The teacher went through the test and said, “I know you cheated. You copied Jim’s paper including his name.”


There really is no helping her

feelthelove wrote: Evening Mr Wyatt! Hope you and the kitties are well  xxxx

The blonde sat down ready to take her math exam. She knew she would cheat since she had the smartest kid in her grade sitting beside her. She copied his whole test page by page. Feeling confident in her answers she gets up and gives her paper to the teacher.


She stands there waiting for the teacher to respond in amazment. The teacher went through the test and said, “I know you cheated. You copied Jim’s paper including his name.”


There really is no helping her

Hi FTL xxx  


Kits and PC'c  doing fine  How you.


After copying Little Johnny's results she is still resting !!!


So:
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."


   

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL xxx  


Kits and PC'c  doing fine  How you.


After copying Little Johnny's results she is still resting !!!


So:
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."


   

Hi Mr Wyatt  xxx
Glad all is ok with the kitties and the PC's.  How's the mower!!   

Hubby is safely locked back in the attic/cellar, don't worry the blue pills are safe and sound 

She's back.............

There’s a magical mountain that you jump off of and yell the name of something and you turn in to what you yell.


A brunette jumps off and yells “Eagle!” She turns into an eagle and flies away.


A redhead Jumps off and yells “Butterfly!” She turns into a butterfly and flutters away 


The Blonde Tripped on a vine, and said “Oh Crap!”

  

feelthelove wrote:Hi Mr Wyatt  xxx
Glad all is ok with the kitties and the PC's.  How's the mower!!   

Hubby is safely locked back in the attic/cellar, don't worry the blue pills are safe and sound 

She's back.............

There’s a magical mountain that you jump off of and yell the name of something and you turn in to what you yell.


A brunette jumps off and yells “Eagle!” She turns into an eagle and flies away.


A redhead Jumps off and yells “Butterfly!” She turns into a butterfly and flutters away 


The Blonde Tripped on a vine, and said “Oh Crap!”

  

Hi FTL xxx

Kits fine,  PS's  making strange sounds in the background  and the Mower is curled up with the Strimmer!!   



Our Blonde:

And now she is old and is in Church and......

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


 

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL xxx

Kits fine,  PS's  making strange sounds in the background  and the Mower is curled up with the Strimmer!!   



Our Blonde:

And now she is old and is in Church and......

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


 

Hey Wyatt  xxx
Just when you thought you'd heard them all  

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two monkeys and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first monkey and asks, "Monkey #1, do you know your mission?"


The monkey replies, "ooah ooah!. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. ooah ooah!"
Then NASA Control asks the second monkey, "Monkey #2, do you know your mission?" 

The second monkey replies, "ooah ooah! Once Monkey #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. ooah ooah!"
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?" 

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the monkeys - and DON'T TOUCH A THING!"

feelthelove wrote:Hey Wyatt  xxx
Just when you thought you'd heard them all  

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two monkeys and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first monkey and asks, "Monkey #1, do you know your mission?"


The monkey replies, "ooah ooah!. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. ooah ooah!"
Then NASA Control asks the second monkey, "Monkey #2, do you know your mission?" 

The second monkey replies, "ooah ooah! Once Monkey #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. ooah ooah!"
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?" 

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the monkeys - and DON'T TOUCH A THING!"

Hi FTL  XXXXX


Did you hear ????
She got married !!!!!!     


A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

wyatt1 wrote:Hi FTL  XXXXX


Did you hear ????
She got married !!!!!!     


A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

MR WYATT!!!!!   

How are you? Good day?   

A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise Only for $5."  

She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious 

The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.

The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."